i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
