and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
