mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
