i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
