I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
