her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
