Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
