Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
