i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
