fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
