i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
