She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
