My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
