i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
