I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
