Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
