Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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