I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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