Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
