he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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