Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
