Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
