im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
