your parents love me but you hate me
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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