it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
