dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
