Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
