The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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