Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
