also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
