God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
