Since when is my name a synonym for head?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
