don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
