The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
