I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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