I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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