when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
