weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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