Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
two words...techno handjob
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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