Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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