what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
