I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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