Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
