Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
