please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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