I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
ttyl tear gas
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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