You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
