Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
