Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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