she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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