When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
