I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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