so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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